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If all blacks suddenly left America...(keep in mind blacks only make 13% of the US population)
>The prison population would go down by 37%>There would be almost 50% less gang members>Rape would go down significantly>Overweight and obesity percentage would go down by 10%>Average IQ would go up 7 points, putting the USA tied for third with Japan>SAT scores would go up by about 100 points>ACT scores would go up by 5.5 points>AIDS and HIV would go down by over 67%>Chlamydia cases would go down by 50%>Gonorrhea would go down by 69%>Syphilis would go would go down by 58%>The average income would be over 20k more per year>The amount of people in poverty would go down by over 30%>Homelessness would go down by 57%>And the number of welfare recipients would go down by about 40%
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A liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"
At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
"How old is this rock?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"
"Wrong. Itâ€™s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is realâ€¦ then it should be an animal now"
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears.
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
who else enjoys ice sammies ? my granpa usd toeat them back in the war days in ww2
he's now 86 and we eat them 2gether on the front porch
who else eats ice sammies
>OP is retarded >hears grandpa reminisce about ice cream sandwiches delivered to the front by USO>TARDS OUT, screams for 'ice sandwiches>Now whenever his grandson flips his lid, grabs ice and wonderbread, heads to the porch>Feels awful as his grandtard full on cracks iceaagainst his teeth, laughing and kicking his legs>I'm going to die soon>Everything I fought for means nothing >At one point, America had so much promise
If you're born with white privilege due to your skin color, then how is it that this privilege disappears upon entering a non-white country? Can I complain about black privilege if I go to Africa and nobody accommodates me for being different? Do I still have white privilege when the Japanese don't let me in their establishments? Privilege is a stigma losers give to winners to make themselves feel better: a social construct.
>2028>At home with government assigned Womyn master>watching LGBTNN Israel sanctioned news>rebellion just put down>sigh and return to duties>making food for womyn master>whistle>suddenly headpiece rips lips out, countering my whistle-privilege>grab picture of obama and begin to apologize, sure to please the cameras watching my every move>suddenly woymn master barges in demanding intercourse>tell her I'm too tired >she gasps>I apologize franticly, realizing I had just raped her>Gay muslim black jew guards rush in>Insert dildos into all orifices>stuff mouth with estrogen>get sent to privilege checker camp>apologizing to the Ascended One Obama for my oppression>I can never repay him for the privilege I left unchecked.
>Get on the bus in the morning>quickly scurry over to the seatless Privileged section and stand with the other privileged white males>Couple of stops later, a white couple gets on. the woman goes to sit in the womyn's and other oppressed groups lounge>gasp when the male does not come to his designated standing section>the whole bus begins to murmur in commotion>"excuse me sir. you cannot sit in the oppressed section. you have to come back here">he just looks at me and says "vat? u say vat? i seet.">am now terrified. there is someone on this bus who did not check their privilege>The ceiling hatch opens and two Diversity Agents quickly emerge and taze the offending privilege-abuser>he is handcuffed and taken back into the hatch, which promptly closes>sigh in relief as a handsome, strong black male puts his arms around the woman>she looks frightened. probably because she had no idea she was with such an abusive life partner>finally get off at my stop and go to work at the holocaust memorial german cuisine restaurant
>Come home from work>Open bedroom door and see my wife being serviced by a superior black male>I say "hi, honey, hey Jufal", they were having too much fun to hear me>Change into my other penis cage and go down to the kitchen to make dinner>30 minutes later, jufal leaves>ask my wife how it went>"great, sweetie, i think he may have finally knocked me up this time">She fills my bowl in the corner and sits at the table to eat dinner. i don't ask her anything else to avoid raping her>we go out for groceries>accidentally brush against a woman's shoulder in the feminine hygene department>quickly kneel and lick her shoes as per the new "instant rape-compensation" bylaw. She was kind enough not to press charges>before bed, i pay homage to our obama shrine, tears in my eyes, the guilt of causing such horrible suffering throughout the world tearing me apart>take my estrogen pills before curling up on the floor next to my wife's bed
>I was seven, visiting my dad in Vegas for the summer>he asks a local girl (13) to babysit me whilst he and his stripper gf go out for dinner>she shows up in roller skates, drunk off her ass>he shrugs, they take off>she proceeds to drink all the booze in the place, and knowing my dad that was a lot.>she pees her pants and spends the rest of the night in her panties>she pulls out a joint and blazes up while we watch a Meatloaf concert on TV>round midnight I go to bed, she crawls in with me.>She spoons me and tells me how she gave my dad some head for a joint once. I have no idea what she's talking about.>Dad comes home, finds us in bed, empty bottles and piss all around.>Tells her to go home, whips ME with his belt.>WTF>good times
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>be 8-10 i dont remember>go to house of girl from girl scouts not really friends but at that age who cares>hanging in her room until her parents call us for dinner>"hey anon have you ever rubbed here" points to vag>"no" totally innocent i dont know shit about sex>"it feels good when someone else does it">spend the rest of the time till dinner fingering each other through our panties>now im bisexual
>be me>be 7 or 10, can't remember>sometime around christmas>setting up the tree n' shit because mom asked>have idea>fuckinggenius.pdf>run to room, get thing, run back>magnet>insert magnet into prongs of plug>forscience.gif>outlet explodes, ash or some shit everywhere>shocked and silent for about 20 seconds>mom: anon, are you okay?>burst into tears and shit>outlet was never cleaned as a reminder for me
and that's how I electrocuted myself
>be 13ish>have bro, 7ish>have boy cousin, 11ish>have girl cousin, 7ish>at their house>parents, aunt, and uncle leave>I'm babysitting>playing with older cousin>decide to hide in his sister's room so we can scare her when she comes in>under bed>waiting>door opens>bro and cousin come in>gotta wait till they know they're alone in the room>they get on bed>clothes start falling on the floor>hear moaning>get out from under the bed>they're shocked and embarrassed>they think they're in trouble>tell them that it's OK as long as we get to play too>they agree>older cousin looks at me weird but goes along>every one gets naked>start dry humping younger cousin>tell older cousin that he needs to play like my bro's a girl>doesn't want to homosex>tell him that bro-sis wincest to fucked up>tell him he needs to homosex my bro for things to be fair>he finally goes along
>Be around 10>Friend is 10 too or so>After school one day, go to his house>His dad isnt home, nobody is>We go upstairs, talk for a bit, can feel some sorta tension >He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend >Im a guy>okay.exe>Tells me to strip naked >He does the same>We lay in his bed>He places himself on top of me, griding his dick against mine>We both moan until we get some sorta feeling that we cum I guess, no sperm came out>We continue this in all kinda places>We do it from 10 to 13 or so>He moves>Fast forward to now>He has facebook, he is 100% gay>Tfw he turned me into a sissy faggot
>Be 4yo. Very early memory here.>Have a regular babysitting.>Parents leave. Just me and 1yo sister with the babysitter.>She sits down on the floor, lifts dress, takes panties off.>Spreads herself open with full view of hairy pussy. >Wants me to touch her and play a special game. >I don't think the game is very fun so I don't want to.>I think I touch her once and decide it's not very nice. I walk away to do some stupid kid shit instead.>Lesson learned at an early age that vaginas can be voracious and hungry. All the stuff about women being chaste and not liking sex I saw in the media had to be false. Women are beasts for sexual satisfaction.
>20 years later I talk with my mother about babysitting arrangements when I was younger. The girl who I thought was an incredibly mature adult was in grade 8 and can't have been more than 14. >Mind is blown. >Am now suspicious about 13 and 14yo girls being left with male children.
> be 8> At friends house, her parents are having a massive fight.> too scared to out there but need to pee> Her mother bursts in, tells my friend to hide under her bed and not come out, tells me to leave.> I leave and begin walking home, still need to pee super bad> Get around the corner, cant hold it any longer and piss myself.> Want to just go back to friends house but im too scared, decide to just walk home like this.> Piss is super gross and kinda making down there sting.> Finally decide to go into a house after trying to just walk it home.>Ring doorbell, a really fat, sweaty woman answers the door, has food stains everywhere.> Tell her how I've had an accedent.> She tells me to come inside, hurries me to the bathroom and insists I have a shower.> Have shower> Mid shower she comes in to give me a towel> I'm pretty freaked out, finish shower, hop out, theres only a towel and shes taken my clothes.> Wrap towel around myself and come out, shes there waiting and breathing heavily.>She takes me into her room, opens her wardrobe, all different kinds of school uniforms in there.> She makes me wear a high school uniform, gives me a bag with my clothes in it and sets me off on my way home.> Get home, have to explain what happened to mother.
>be 15>go over to friend's house>his mom offers to take me home instead of having my parents pick me up>she's driving me home>asks if i have a girlfriend>say no>acts shocked>says i shouldn't have a problem finding a girlfriend>says she's too old and ugly to find a boyfriend>say that's impossible>asks what i mean>say "all my friends thinks you're the hottest mom">get all embarrassed>don't be embarrassed, that's a sweet thing to say. I'm flattered really>she pulls into a random, empty parking lot and turns off the engine>asks me if i really think she's the hottest mom>gulp and say yes>she leans over to me and says "prove it">she kisses me>we make out>she climbs over and gets on top of me>starts taking our clothes off>she starts fucking me>oh shit this is awesome.jpg>nut inside her>oh shit!>she says not to worry about it>we fuck off and on until i move away for college
>be 9/10>have friend 2 years younger>neighbor has daughter around 5 or 6>friend and I used to tell neighbor girl to lift her skirt and show us her panties and we will show her our tighty whiteys. >one day she no wear anything underneath (as a the father of a little girl i now know that it's to let it "air out" sometimes) >friend starts yelling "EWWWWW SHE HAS NO PENIS" >thought it was interesting and tried diddling it.
>Fast forward a year, friend moved away cried many days for that. Girl and I become close friends>Touching escalates into only doing "movements" that felt good, decides wat if i lick. >discover 69, didn't know it at the time.
>still friends today, and still pleasure each other. She didn't want to have sex though, said it'll be weird. So i just drug and fuck her every now and then.
>be 4ish>mom runs an in-home daycare/preschool>takes one girl in exchange for her mom teaching me piano>she stays later than the other kids>mom lets us play on our own>go into storage room>eventually start playing doctor>by the time I went into kindergarten I knew what a (loli) pussy looked like from memory>dad builds a playhouse in the back yard>all the neighbour kids my age are girls>they all come to my playhouse>they take turns being the mom and kids>the "mom" and I get naked in the playhouse>lay on top of each other>get bored then say she's preg>get dressed>shove a doll up her shirt>play a bit>the "mom" goes into labor>go back into playhouse>this time with the "kid">take the "mom's" pants off>squats down>the "kid" crawls through the "mom's" legs and is born>get dressed>go play some more>goes on till the wincest incident>during this time I realise the dick goes in on of the holes>at first try putting it in her pee hole>doesn't work for some (then) unknown reason
>Be 7 years old.>Nanny has phat ass.>I like to jump on her back when she doesn't see me and ride her like Arabians ride camels>Be innocent child looking for fun>Nanny be standing by stairs sweeping.>Decide to surprise her like always.>Jump on her back, but she buckles now.>mfw oh shit!>Fall down long flight of stairs to land hard on living room bare floor.>Pass out.>Nanny leaves me there, gushing blood from my skull, unconscious, until parents get back.>Never seen mom so mad at someone before.>mfw I now have a permanent scar on the side of my head.
>hurr sauce>durr wats hur name
For fucks sake, you autistic potato. It's a random fucking selfie that some girl took for her boyfriend that found its way onto the internet. Just like 100 million other random fucking selfies. There's no set, there are no videos. You're not going to get her name and creep her fucking facebook. Fucking hell, I wish you sad, socially-stunted faggots would give it a rest.
I was turning 18 the next day. A gay friend who had just graduated lived near me and he asked to suck my dick. He was really horny and I was the only dude around. Eventually he talked me into it.
So he picked me up and we go to his house. He gets started right away. I'm not prepared for this. Only had one bj before and that was like 2 years before that. I wasn't getting hard at all, despite it feeling amazing. It just felt awkward. So he got really frustrated and ripped my pants away from me, then a bit after forced me to sit down and such. I got a half chub, I was really trying for this guy. It ended in disappointment and he took the change that fell out of my pants when he took them off saying I owed him that. I was like, "Whatever, I don't like coins anyway."
6 Questions Feminists can't answer (without admitting Feminism isn't about equality):
Because girls are traitors and they think that if they are drunk they are not responsible for any of their actions even though they made the decision to drink and get as drunk as they were. Let me tell you a story
>be me>be with girl>she was awesome>one day found text messaged on her phone>some asshole had been texting her>trying to get her to come over and sleep with her>turns out that she had sex with him at a party>I went to confront her>she said she was drunk>"like I give a fuck if you were drunk!">she apologizes>I forgive her because I legitimately think he regrets the decision>few months later she has sex with another guy>find this out from a friend>she got drunk at another party>she blames it on being drunk again>tell her it's her fault for getting drunk and being a stupid bitch>she goes to the police a week later and says she was raped>she got drunk YET AGAIN at a party and had sex with some fag>broke it off with her>went to court and testified on that guys behalf>he got off free>been bros with him ever since
Never trust women. They will always try to find an excuse for their actions. This is just another excuse. Try using that excuse on a girl. sleep with a girl at a party then go home and tell your gf about it and say "I'm sorry honey, I was dunk" and she will not give a shit. She will hold you responsible even though she probably wouldn't hold herself responsible.
You don't, just drop her. She wanted to fuck another guy and probably got drunk to begin with specifically to fall back on that excuse later.
Or, if you want to be really cryptic and send her hamster-brain into a frenzy, you could say "I wasn't."
>be 22>gf confesses that she blew so and so at party>"but I was drunk, I swear!">"huh...I wasn't.">"Wh-what? You weren't what?">"Drunk.">"When?">"Don't matter now, I suppose. Moot point.">"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? IT'S THAT CUNT FROM THE STORE, THE CASHIER RIGHT!? I'M GLAD I BLEW ANON, HIS COCK IS TWICE A BIG AS YOURS!!">"I doubt his cock is 14 inches long and 12 around.">"I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK I JUST SAID THAT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER enter more drivel here, blah blah
Bitches ain't shit. There's always more pussy to be had. Always.
Case in point, her sister fucked me about a week after this exchange. I think her mom may have been giving me signals too, but I never pursued that. Kind of wish I had.
> be me> late night at a bar, cougar wants the d> fuckyes.jpg> get laid at her place> morning comes around, I'm cooking breakfast cause I love my biscuits and gravy.> mother and young daughter awake> all my wats> those two not speaking to eachother, despite my attempts to get conversation> fast forward to a month later, daughter being cute and innocent but doesnt hide her desire to "marry me"> mother overhears and get butt frosted, thinking daughter was trying to steal me. (daughter was around age 11)> her words, "steal me", my whats over 9000> confront her, ask out loud why she would be more concerned over that than me having sex with a minor> mother calls daughter a dyke bitch lesbian> daughter silent, pulls down my pants and starts sucking.> mother wide eyed> I reply, "Like mother like daughter, guess she's not a lesbian."> mother joins in
> fast forward to two years, still not married to either but me and daughter have been taking turns keeping her mother well fucked.
fuck yes, 'Merica...ty President Obama for free healthcare and government paycheck
I like to think of gender confused people as weak.
The change seems to occur most in people between the age of 8 and 20, when the human body is most into it's stage of growth, when hormones are surging and the mind is most unstable.
The desire to switch gender usually comes from the idea that the grass is greener on the other side, for the majority it is that they wish to become a woman, so they never have to grow up, so that they can remain childish and mothered by other people - so that they never have to go through adulthood. Lazy, selfish. I find most traps are incredibly narcissistic too, victims of their own complex now that they have designed, in a way, their dream girl, having given up looking for her, they become her, then wear her like a corpse over their real identity, and act as her, fooling others.
Having others see you as what you want is manipulation, it does not matter how you put it, and traps are sly, damaged people who live through manipulation of themselves and their surroundings.
Even on the Internet they try their best to be feminine through their misguided view of women (":3" spam, etc).
You are a failed male.
You will not escape this in the eyes of people who don't sympathize with your immaturity and failure
You are shaped entirely by a society in its infancy; and the social boundaries that come with it.You are emotionally stunted, and carry out all activities with the sole ambition of pleasing and garnering acceptance of others.Your only goals are to attain trophies of virility; in what is an ultimately feeble attempt at life after death. You will die, they will die, you will have meant nothing, and you will have experienced only what others found fit for someone of your status.
this is the voice i had in my head which made me wait until i was 23 and had accomplished a "fullfilling" male life.
If it wasnt for this kind of thinking i probably would have been through all this terror by now and on towards living a real life
>be single father>find sploof under my 15 year old son's bed>not surprised that he's smoking weed>see him and his friend come home once with clearly bloodshot eyes>remember reading here once about how a parent intentionally caught his son smoking weed, pretend to freak out then smoked it right in front of him>thought this would be a laugh so I decided to replicate it>I go out every saturday night and his friend is always there before I leave so I assume that's when they smoke weed>Tell them I'm leaving, drive off, park the car one block away then walk back to the house>Slowly enter through the back door and move my way towards his room quiet as a mouse>Approaching his door I can smell the weed and I get ready to go in>Pull open door really fast and i see my son sucking his friends dick>Both are wearing Aaron Rodgers Jerseys>Close door immediatly and go lay on my bed for the rest of the night traumatized>Still haven't talked to him since then
Fairly obvious, make use of the situation by getting the friend to come over because you have to discuss the situation. When he does, confront them and explained if they wanna suck dick they can both suck yours or you will have to speak to friends dad, enjoy!
All of this feminist shit is very recent, within the last 150 or so years. Even when the women's suffrage movement was around, women didn't want it. Suffragettes and modern feminists are no different, they both want to decide what all women want, regardless of what the huge majority of women actually say they want, and any woman who speaks up about it is an idiot and doesn't know what's good for her.
Modern feminism is still made up of an extreme minority of women booming their voices above everyone else, and in the end they just make things worse for both men and women.
Women didn't want "more rights," they already had more rights. Women have had all the control throughout history. Women generally managed the household and the money throughout history. Women had benefits given to them and often were given land and money, which they owned completely, as a gift for being "nice enough" to accept marriage. Of course, throughout history, marriage was generally something that both parties agreed to. Arranged marriages weren't the norm outside of royalty, there was no benefit to it for the general populace.
Anyway, the point in saying all of this is that women were humans at one time, and a majority of women still are humans. The women out there who aren't humans are still a fairly small amount of the population, the problem right now is that technology and society make it extremely easy to impress young minds with bullshit "feminism" through media and by changing policies to force the education system to teach their demented views. What this does mean is that the new generations will be warped and worthless, and any women younger than their mid-20s will have a much higher chance of being warped. Not that you'll be safe with an older woman, as she could easily be one of the minority of her generation.
You might point to the last few decades of, for example, cheating women destroying men through a divorce. This isn't due to the slut being a feminist, it's from extremely out-of-date laws helping a lawyer add to his fortunes by fucking over her partner.
If some other groups out there are to be believed, a lot of the issues with feminism are brought on by the Jews, who would actually benefit greatly from the advancement of female dominance. while they themselves would not experience any of the downsides due to their religious practices. I personally don't care much for conspiracies, though, so feel free to ignore this last paragraph.
This reply was a lot longer than I expected it to be.
PS: I'm not disagreeing with you. RP has been around since the beginning of time, it's all about the natural relationship between men and women. Alphas, betas, "good girls," bitches and sluts have always existed. The problem we experience right now is the increased spread of BP through something that only a very small amount of people are pushing, "feminism."
BDSM is completely about pushing boundaries. It's about destroying the faces that people put on every day. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, it's about submission, fear, trust, control. The bond created by BDSM is probably one of the strongest out there. The pain will release all the feel-good chemicals and "love" will be far greater than any generic relationship.
That was unexpected... Last night a chic from __________ and her friend n I went to________ last night, ended up in my bed with both of them over me all night... Hmmm I feels a 3some brewing ;)
Chemicals are your friends. Untested chemicals are your untested friends.
I just tricked this pathetic pussy into the friendzone.
I'm a little disappointed at how easy it was. I like a challenge and this one was like putty in my hands. He tried to do the nice guy routine, pretending he didn't want to have sex with me, which really turned me off. Its disingenuous, dishonest and obvious. So I flipped the script on him. If he was going to be fake with me by hiding his true intentions and try to trick me into a relationship, why shouldn't I be fake with him so that I can exploit him for emotional support?
I told him I just wanted to be friends. He said he was fine with that (I still laugh with my girlfriends when I mimic the facial expression he made). Then I waited. After about two weeks of us talking about my sex life with ex-boyfrieds in facebook chat, I invited him to come over and drink beers with me at my place. I had invited some other guys (who had girlfriends, some of them there, or were genuinely good friends) over and they were already there when he got there. After he arrived, I put on some music and started dancing seductively while constantly staring at him. I ignored the other guys in the room and I treated him like a king. I constantly brought him beers when the one he was drinking was empty. I sat in his lap and touched him a lot. I laughed at all his jokes. Basically, I gave his ego a hand job.
I repeated this process two more times, and by the third, he made a move on me. I shot him down of course, which was the plan all along, feigned surprise at his sexual attraction to me and apologized for giving him mixed signals. He accepted my apology and left.
Now he goes shopping with me, always answers the phone when I need some advice, helps me repair my car, and buys me flowers from time to time. He's a good little beta boy, who knows exactly how to please me. He's my pathetic little emotional tampon.
Article directly mentions "Mother and son had a stormy relationship" and "Mr Crooks added that the mother and son would fight often".
In plain English- woman was being a typical man-hating feminist bitch to her own son, and so the son naturally started to hate her.
How's that misandry working out for you ladies? How's it feel when you turn an innocent young boy into a rage-filled person because of your constant abuse and hatred towards him?
Imagine how badly his mother must have treated him for the young boy to snap and kill his own mother like this. Looks like being a man-hating bitch didn't work out too well for her.
This is a glimpse of the coming hyper-violent society. You women have created entire generations of rage-filled and angry young men, and they are a product of YOUR man-hatred and abuse.
Funny how the article blames the boy, who was ONLY 13 fucking years old, but NEVER places any responsibility onto the mother. It's because in America, women are NEVER held accountable for their own actions. Even if a woman kills her own children, she will probably not face jail time.
When the hell are you women going to GROW THE FUCK UP and start taking responsibility for your own actions? You raised your child wrong, it's YOUR FUCKING FAULT, not the fault of society or video games or whatever.
Anyway, this poor boy was just a product of feminism, feminism brainwashed women into hating men, and women are such pathetic cowards, they take out their man-hatred on young defenseless boys. Then when the young boys who have been so badly abused and hated on by women and even their own mothers grows up and does something like this? Of course, it's NOT the mother's fault. No, women are saints, it couldn't possibly be the result of the mother's feminist man-hatred and abuse towards her son.
And notice in the comments section. Women are saying "That boy is evil, that boy is sick". NOT ONE SINGLE WOMAN criticized the mother or held her accountable.
What's up bitches. Are you ready for me to make you money? That's what I fucking thought. My name is Derek and I'm a 23-year-old McNeese student that will be graduating in the Spring with a degree in General Studies. That's right -- GENERAL FUCKING STUDIES. This means I know everything about everything. I decided to leave my previous 4 years of Engineering school in the search for something that didn't make me want to eat the barrel of a gun every morning. As of now, I've got a GPA of 3.09, which is a fucking miracle given the amount of alcohol I've consumed over the years.
To break the ice, let me tell you a little about how fucking awesome I am. I can do some pretty mad freestyle raps (or so my homeboys say), and I enjoy wearing a bow tie. I take my pants off without unbuttoning them. Why? Because it's extremely efficient, and I've got more important shit to do than to unbutton my damn pants. I think all meals should be easily prepared in a microwave, and my favorite flavor of cotton candy is pink. I fucking DARE you to disagree with me. I've had what most people like to call "questionable previous employment", although I swear it's legit. Don't ask me about it though. I've never worked at a fast food restaurant, and I usually smell like the Old Spice "Swagger" fragrance. Only bad mother fuckers smell like swagger. I enjoy long walks on the beach, but only if the beach is located in Miami. I enjoy devices that are iPhone compatible, and I feel that everything tastes better with velveeta. I've slept on couches all over the US, and was once told that I fucked up a hotel suite somewhere on the Vegas strip. My Mom calls me her "Perfect Little Angel", so this means you can completely trust me with your daughters, nieces, hot female friends, etc...
Since I know I've already got this job in the bag, let me start off by telling you how useful I would be for your company.
Do you need me to answer your phone and talk shit to the vendors you hate? I abso-fucking-lutely love talking shit to vendors, ESPECIALLY the ones you hate. Want me to be nice to the vendors you hate? I can do that shit too. Look, I'm already showing how versatile I can be!
Do you want me to send flowers to your mother? FUCKING RIGHT! I'll hand pick and DELIVER those bitches to her office and even sing her a god damn song that will bring tears to her eyes -- and I'll lie and tell her you wrote it!! I can do the song with my best friend Jeff who gets laid weekly because of his crazy guitar skills, or acapella. Your choice.
Want a drinking buddy after a long day at the office/jobsite/underground meth lab? Holy shit, we may as well be best friends. I'll drink whatever you put in front of me -- who gives a fuck if it smells like pure gasoline. I'll even stop drinking a few hours early so I can drive you home to your bitch wife who likely hates me. BEST. FUCKING. FRIENDS.
Does shit constantly break at your office? Holy fuck, you just hit the jackpot. I was an automotive mechanic for two years and a motorcycle mechanic for another two years. I can fix anything. If I can't fix it, I'll break it so that the warranty will replace it. You're already making money with me working for you!!