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I think Iâ€™m a closet sex freak. Iâ€™m sleeping with this guy which I do really bad things with, but he doesnâ€™t love me or care for me and even though Iâ€™m satisfied, thereâ€™s an emptiness that I never had with my ex-boyfriend. My ex never was able to make me feel great and we had really mediocre sex but afterwards heâ€™d cuddle with me, tell me how much he loved me, how great I made him feel and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Weâ€™d spoon and kiss and fall asleep in each othersâ€™ arms and Iâ€™d wake up feeling completely happy and content. Heâ€™d make me breakfast and weâ€™d spend the day lazing about his apartment or go out for a walk with his two dogs and I was so happy, and felt as long as I have these moments and have this love for the rest of my life, I can die satisfied.
That was all before this guy raped me and destroyed my contentment with my ex. After that night, I just couldnâ€™t stay with my ex-boyfriend because I felt so shameful but at the same time, I realized how I didnâ€™t have passion and lust for my boyfriend that I felt for this guy who violated me. Iâ€™m really confused because I canâ€™t say he raped me because it excited me how he was forcing himself, but I still canâ€™t help but STILL feel dirty with him every time weâ€™re together. Itâ€™s turned into a consensual sexual friendship and he never hurts me or hits me, but the way we treat each other is just awfulâ€¦. I feel almost like Iâ€™m a whore.
I wonder if Iâ€™m totally messing up my emotional health over with this destructive relationship. My ex-boyfriend still calls me crying and Iâ€™m still fucking the man. What am I doing? Why can I go back to my ex and be happy and have those mornings again? Instead Iâ€™m sleeping with the man and I always leave right after, because I canâ€™t stand the idea of sleeping in his bed when he doesnâ€™t care about me. He doesnâ€™t make me go, in fact he asks me to stay but I just canâ€™t because thatâ€™ll give me false hope that maybe one day heâ€™ll love me. But he never will. Instead he calls me or stops by my house and work just to have sex and I comply.
Sometimes I think to that night, how he was tearing my clothes off, pushing me around and pinning me down while I was crying and telling him no and telling him to stop and as much as I know thatâ€™s wrong and probably rape, I kind of get turned onâ€¦ Whatâ€™s wrong with me?
i have NEVER replied to anything EVER on any chan site whatsoever. but something about this post intrigued me. As a previous psychology major im desperately trying to come up with a reason why you feel the way you do. And...i got nothin. Ive heard of situations like this before. The only thing I can think of is.... where you raised in a strict family, highly religious, immaculately clean, restrictive, protective? Theres a common thing with stuff like rape, scat, snuff, domination type of sex that refers back to childhood restrictive issues. Theres also the possibility that you feel like you deserve to be punished. you are obviously regretting what happened to you and your contentment with what was so simple and satisfying, you could subconsiously be punishing yourself for feeling like you destroyed your own happiness. Speaking from experience once a person starts sabotaging themselves it REALLY hard to realize what your doing and stop it. ...you have the right idea, you see the light and darkness in your situation you just need to suplicate yourself and make a choice. The harder choice will be the RIGHT one because its never easy to do the right thing...and if it is, youre wrong and dont know it. (done this to myself many times)
>>25Or this is by some guy with a rape fantasy who gets offover te discussion...