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Hey all, I’m experiencing some internal gender identity issues that’s causing me what I could only describe as “asynchronous” depression, frequently coupled with spontaneous suicidal thoughts and tendencies – I quite often contemplate this as a solution to the problem (but none of these are incurred consciously – they all manifest autonomously.) Ergo, this can often impede my ability to engage in something “productive,” and I believe it may be incurring hypersomnia – I sleep a lot (and most often less when I’m content/happy,) and most often require at least 12 hours of sleep.
The problem is the absence of a female body – I suppose I would be comfortable in being identified as a transsexual, should no harm be a consequence of it (that is, no adverse affect on social interaction, employment or other environmental orientation.) However, I would indefinitely choose to be identified as female – for a transition (should it occur) to be completely stealth. I also feel that my sexual identity is of an issue, but that’s primarily of a subjective social concern (or “stigma,” if one were to describe it.)
I had initially become aware of the possibility for hormone therapy in August 2008 (the 6th to be precise,) and had felt from the moment of noticing of how its effects manifest in transsexual females, decided for it to be a solution prior to SRS – I had decided that I would at some point, endure SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) sometime when I was 13. However, the issue had soon become nothing mere of a void in my conscious mind and was perhaps suppressed unconsciously until I had acquired hormones last May – I had however, anticipated that I would at least endure hormone therapy at some point in my 20s after I’ve sustained ample income. However, since then I have become aware of a plethora of concerns orbiting transgenderism, particularly with male-to-females (MtF) and its apparent implicit age restrictions. I have also realized that taking estrogen was the greatest feeling of my life – however, I’m unsure of whether that was from noticing the development of secondary sex characteristics, or whether it merely from the greater quantity of the hormone itself flowing through my body (I believe it was likely the former.) Nevertheless, it had felt like I had restarted my entire life – watching a film, playing a game, socializing – anything, had felt fresh, almost as if it were never experienced before. I had also felt a lot more “girlish,” “giggly,” and overall, more feminine.
Shortly after however, the effects of the hormone had slightly diminished, with the return of a surge of androgens propagating the growth of body hairs. It was at this point that I had started to feel depressed again – I had encountered a lot of depression but had attributed it to the absence of adequate social interaction (I haven’t experienced a relationship with a girl, and was looking for either, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and wasn’t with friends much, nor did I feel like they enjoyed my company (albeit there are an exceptional few), given the negatives of past experiences) and the fear that I would fail academically (I had received an A, Ds, an E and an F for my GCSEs and was only permitted to study a BTEC IT practitioners course in sixth form, whilst the rest of my peers had attained As, Bs and Cs (with the exceptional few who had chose alternative paths and whom were in other locations (e.g. at college)), along with stress troubles at home – it has also become a severe regret of mine to have not been aware of the possibility of other sixth form colleges locally.) Although, experiencing this female self, or “psyche,” had made the issue of my body most prominent – of all the issues I’ve experienced, this is by far the most prominent and bugging. It had also made me aware of the various times in which I had desired to be a girl when I was younger, before I had reached puberty. Nonetheless, I had still attributed to male role models – I may have also had a female(s) one(s) before reaching a later age. I can remember wanting to be an astronaut, actor, soldier or whatever, coupled with some memories of wanting to be an angel or just simply a girl. It was also seldom that I was exposed to feminine items, but whenever I noticed a contemporary item of feminism (or otherwise “girl-ism” for its time,) I had almost stopped in awe, possibly feeling bugged but knowing that I wanted to be one that could wear that item.
Shortly in the midst prior to puberty, I believe that I may have become “gender blind,” giving no attention to particular traits and just conforming to my male role automatically (e.g. via play fights, football, etc.) However, just as before, I was still frozen (or at least slower) in what could perhaps be described as “awe” whenever I was exposed to something that was tailored specifically for a girl (in particular, texture and colors were primary cues) – the film “Barbie and the nutcracker” is one instance that made me feel different, perhaps more feminine whilst watching it. I had also at some point become near-habituated with religion, believing that it was required to pray whenever given the opportunity to freely do so; although this appears almost irrelevant, I had felt and identified mostly as a female at this point, but may not have expressed these feelings overtly.
>>1113 Ah crap, apologies if the title's incoherence is bothersome - browser had defaulted the thread title to one used for a previous thread.
Furthermore, during puberty – from the start of high school to the present (I’m 19 at present) – I had started to become aware of my feelings of attractiveness for girls when I was 12 (albeit I had encountered erections, had enjoyed the feeling of them and which may have responded to seeing a woman in her 20/30s on TV) but had failed at all but one attempt to enter a relationship with one. The one relationship I had encountered was when I was 15 (late 2006), and which had lasted for a week prior to meeting the girl – she had finished it a day after meeting and didn’t speak when I was with her despite all attempts to establish talk with her. I believe I may have also started to build up an internal prejudice (but which hasn’t been expressed; it may have been “slipping” up recently via the sexists jokes I sometimes express) against females at this point, believing that they too hold prejudice against myself – this has since worsened with other failed attempts to enter a relationship (friendships with females too were absent for a long time until 2008.) In the midst from before 2008 and the start of puberty, I had envied females for having their reproductive organs; I may have also envied them for their bodies too, but never hatefully nor overtly; it was just a mere feeling of thinking of them as being better than myself for their physical parts. However, I have also envied them for their sexual experiences – the ability for them to experience intense orgasms (this had occurred since I had first started masturbating (mid-2004), and had realized that females experience intense orgasms as a result of their sexual organs and had envied them for this too.) Likewise, I had started to feel attracted to guys early 2006 – this had occurred spontaneously, but was not of a complete attraction to them. Instead, I was merely attracted to their genitals – this had happened after I had accidentally watched a porn video in which two girls were performing fellatio on a man. I had then desired to be either one of the girls performing it, or to be with one doing it; shortly after however, I had simply wanted to perform it on a guy. This had become of a significant concern that year – whether I would encounter the opportunity to perform it or not. Once I had found the opportunity to experience this later that year, I didn’t enjoy it. In fact, my first thoughts proceeding a few moments after wrapping my mouth round his cock were “What the hell am I doing?” – this may not have been coupled with feelings of regret. Nonetheless, I had soon enjoyed the presence of the guy I was with (he was gay,) and have since missed him. I was also still attracted to the idea of this, and had wanted more despite not enjoying the actual feel or “taste” – in fact, there was no taste and barely any feel to it. I had also wanted to be “fucked” by a male shortly after becoming attracted to a male’s genitals, but this too may have been influenced by watching a video in which a female was penetrated. Throughout the proceeding year, I had met with the guy twice but had never really enjoyed the sexual activity – I didn’t even feel anything from penetrating him, nor from receiving a blowjob or kissing. I did however, enjoy the social activity amidst one session (as peculiar as it may seem, we were talking of developmental Psychology whilst I was penetrating him) – all sessions were practically absent of emotion. I had also become aware of my attraction to more than just his genitals, but also of this body and the emitted scent of his body. Likewise, I had also experienced what could be described as an automated “transparent” hallucination in which I had perceived and felt myself as being a girl whilst pleasing him.
The proceeding year however, I had lost two parents (my dad and granddad) in March and had experienced an intense burst of overwhelming emotion for a short transient before deceiving myself that they had went on holiday – I had also become engaged in distractive behavior (e.g. sixth form coursework and was learning PHP at the time) but had experienced durations of what could be described as “slow” depression in which I had felt tearful and sad for days. I suppose I have also experienced an asynchronous mix of hypersomnia and insomnia throughout that year, the proceeding and present year. Since then, I have lived with my Nan and have met with my mum twice since – the last time before was when I was 10, and several times before then until I was living with her when I was 5. Although this may appear irrelevant, I’m unsure of whether this is a reason for why I had desired to transition since August 2008.
Furthermore, the majority of last year since taking estrogens was consumed by concerns over how I was going to transition effectively, and how/when I was going to acquire another batch of hormones – acquiring hormones was of a prime concern. In the midst of this, I had learned of the underlying biology that gives rise to gender issues, alternative views of gender, and of the small cues that indicate of whether one is a transsexual. I had also experienced significant durations of intense depression in which I would regret not being born female (despite knowing that it wasn’t a choice,) not being aware of the possibility of hormone therapy before, and would also experience depression when realizing the potential permanence of my masculine facial features and male genitals – this had made my contemplate suicide a plethora of times, close on some occasions and had overall, left me feeling like I was trapped in some kind of hell. It was then that I had realized that my preference would be to become any female, as long as she’s wholly identified as a female – as long as she had female reproductive organs. This wasn’t limited to humans either. Logically, I had also realized that I’d rather be male with no gender issues; to be comfortable as a male. However, an underlying intrinsic thought appears to override this – thus, I’d probably choose to be a transsexual over being a comfortable male.
It was November last year that this started to change – shortly after I had acquired my second batch of estrogen from a friend (shortly after taking them, I had questioned of whether they were indeed estrogens, due to their delayed response, and had also tried to find ways to not transition, rooting through memories in which I had experienced life comfortable as being male/gender-blind,) I had met with a girl of my age. A week from seeing her, I had fell in love and had tried every attempt to date her but to no avail; this too had provoked severe depression with suicidal thoughts/tendencies. She was also of my main concern from then through to January – I had tried to find ways to make myself more attractive for her, and had contemplated on making myself more masculine for her to accept me into a relationship. This too had increased an internal prejudice against females – I had started to feel hate towards them from the hurt she caused (I don’t think she had intended for this, although she had tried to get with some of my friends despite knowing that I had strong feelings for her.) Shortly after her rejecting me in November, I had attempted to omit our friendship after realizing that she may have been “using me” and the potential consequences of this; this was re-established a day later after learning of her social situation from her sister. A week later however, she had detached the friendship and it was at this point that I had started to feel better in terms of these problems, but had shortly – quite slowly – become aware of gender issues again.
Shortly after the second rejection in January, I was almost unaware of gender issues and had felt no discomfort with being male but had still felt depressed on a frequent basis. I had also started to feel compelled to masculine behaviors and had felt the need to avoid any attempt to enter a relationship with a female. This had met with the desire to reproduce – well, the “need” to sustain the family tree as I didn’t see any other reason for reproducing if adoption would provide a similar level of abstraction – but hadn’t budged the evasion of relationships. Since meeting the girl, she has talked of her issues with males, and although she has asked if I’m ok with her talking about them, I’ve always felt prohibited from preventing her from doing so and have met that statement with “It’s your life, I can’t decide for what you do in it.” However, I’m unsure of whether this has incurred an implicit form of depression, ultimately impeding any form of progress towards a particular goal. In fact, ultimately this entire year feels like the collapse of last year – everything I had aimed for last year appears to be declining, even the potential for transitioning due to the increased development of masculine features throughout my body (this too still continues to incur some degree of depression – that is, when I notice that masculine features continue to develop – this is often met with feelings of regret.)
Furthermore, later on throughout this year – during late April – I had yet again, become ware of gender issues, and had resumed the consumption of estrogen to ease the adverse feelings. However, this means for reducing those adverse feelings had soon stalled after learning of how the hormone could potentially kill – I have since felt tempted to resume the consumption of them, but have refrained from doing so. Friends who I had confessed this to have also attempted to discourage me from transitioning. I’m often told that I’m too old to transition, that I’d probably not find a relationship with someone (not that it would make a difference,) would be too ugly and not passable. This had scared me a lot and had left me feeling worse, and trapped. However, I think that after a short duration of overwhelming inescapable feelings, that my mind beings to suppress them, depending on whether they’re rooted in something that’s registered as a truth. Becoming aware of the absence of “girlhood” had too gave rise to feelings of discouragement from transitioning – I had believed that this was essential at some point. Sometimes, I even realize that it would have been a lot easier to have been born as a female or to have done it when I was 12 – that at that age it would have been easiest (the presence as what could be described as a male “psyche” also gives me discomfort, met with an automated desire to omit as many masculine features (including any internal male behavioral traits) as possible) – this often occurs when I realize the financial cost required to make a transition possible. There may have also been times in which I had no desire to be female – had perhaps even felt disgust at the idea of it.
However, I’m uncertain of whether this is merely my mind suppressing the issue and then it becoming more prominent in my conscious mind when an environmental cue arouses it, or whether I’m asynchronously bi-gendered. I still frequently feel as if I’m trapped, but these feelings mostly arise as a result of being exposed to feminine features. My fear is that if I abandon a transition, that it’ll manifest in the future once I’ve established ample finance, resulting in a lot of regret. I also fear that it’d force me to move to another world – metaphorically speaking. It was ultimately the peer pressure that had halted me from resuming it – my impulses had driven me into taking estrogens initially, and which had driven me to acquire more and to take them too.
Note: apologies if this post is offensive, annoying, silly or a mixture of those.
Addenda: There have also been times in which I’ve felt disgust at having male genitals, and have even felt like I’ve wanted to remove them. However, there have also been other times in which I’ve been perfectly comfortable with them, and have felt them to be pleasurable for most of the time sexually.
Also note: the times mentioned in which I felt “feminine,” where times in which I had mostly or completely identified as being female. The most prominent of these times was perhaps last September in which I had consistently identified as female with no male identity.
Additional info: I’ve also had no brothers or sisters, and have felt that this year was a little more overwhelming than last year. I think that the recent state of overwhelming-ness was the result of social and family issues – I had started to feel like everyone hated me, and had felt paranoid (more on that if requested). I’ve also encountered numerous instances of a voice telling me to transition, and which had also requested that I complete it before I was 19. I believe that voices have been present since my 10th birthday. I can also understand the difference between real word and internal voices, and have always been able to do this. I may have also started to develop OCD from when I was 10, and have since had it; it can sometimes manifest itself in almost everything I do daily, and few times I can exert control over some aspects of it, and have been experiencing sadness/depression for a majority of time since a short while after I had started high school (this appears to have gradually worsened with various drops (I believe this to have been the result of the environment).) I have also always retained the impulsive choice for being female over being male, with the exception of rare times (that have as far as I believe, only occurred this year) when I’ve felt repelled from it.
Holy cow, if you weren't British, I could've sworn you were someone I know.
(addressed to someone in a previous thread; post is redundant for this thread however.)
I don't aspire to become a cross-dresser. I mostly posted this thread for responses on whether I should transition - whether it would be worse if I didn't (i.e. whether others have been in a similar situation.) Likewise, I'm also uncertain of whether it's merely just a personality disorder in which my mind loads different personalities at different times, with each altering my gender identity; or whether I am ultimately female and that I had unconsciously developed a superficial male self to elude the female self as a consequence of proactively anticipating any potential social issues that would occur as a result of cross-dressing (I was unaware that one could take hormones and actually look like a female; I thought that one could only cross-dress, and had felt that this would ultimately be insufficient).
I think I have hypersomnia too. slept for a good 14 hours last night. fml
>>1123I know this may seem a little odd to ask, but do you experience any side-effects from it? What about problems that are more prominent in your mind - are they more often close to being solved from excessive sleep? Personally, I find that it's useful for reducing the quantity of problems present consciously and for integrating instructions, but is consequent to a temporary cognitive decline.
Also, in case this thread disappears and others reply and I somehow forget about it, my email is: firstname.lastname@example.org if anyone wishes to give advice.
Personally I think it's because when I'm dreaming there are less problems to deal with. My boyfriend recently died, so I've been sleeping more and more lately... but yeah, I usually just stay in bed because I can't face the awake world.
>>1124oh, and side effects? well i get way more tired during the day. this also makes me less willing to deal with my issues and perpetuates the depression.
>>1125I'm deeply sorry to hear about your loss... :( if you need to talk about anything as such, feel free to email/IM me via my messenger account (email@example.com). I suppose ditto for the latter part of your post - I often sleep a lot when I'm overwhelmed from various problems, sometimes even gender issues can lead me to sleep a lot. However, I've always assumed that this would only occur so that the unconscious mind could reduce the overall burden of the conscious mind, but I suppose it could also be a slight negative tendency that we develop.
>>1126I agree with you here -- excessive sleep also leaves me with excess tiredness and a lack of motivation.
Urgh, life can just be horrible at times.
>>1112a board of people that bairly know you is not going to get give you a sound answer to a choice that will change your life.
the default answers are
1) do what you think you need to do to feel safe and happy
2) find a qualified physiologist that specializes in transgendered issues to help you sort this out.
>>1128I was hoping to find someone who has been in a similar situation and to learn of which solutions they adopted to resolve this problem. I'll also search for a gender oriented psychologist - thanks.
For the majority of the time, I feel that I need to transition; however, there are times in which I do identify as male, and as mentioned, there are also other times when I identify as female.
However, the problem still causes depression and suicidal thoughts if I become aware of it; there is the exception that if I'm completely unaware of it, and wholly indulged in something, then I'm content with the way I am.
Likewise, I'm unsure of whether an underlying gender issue - whether the male self was superficially developed atop an underlying female self - gave rise to a near constant depressive state that had appeared shortly after I started puberty (i.e. whether I subconsciously experience discomfort, thereby resulting in depressive feelings (but there have other things that have made me feel down too, mostly oriented with the lack of know-how in getting a girlfriend).)
I greatly appreciate all advice given from both you and others in this thread, and anyone else who contributes, and wish you all great luck in whatever you choose to endeavor in life!
this is too frighteningly similiar to how i feel a good amount of the time, i almost (quite literally) gave hard thought to whether i posted this blackout drunk, which ive been known to do on tranchan from time to time, but with one look at the syntax and articulated, well-thought-out narration, i doubt it was me, but almost every feeling and thought you mentioned, ive been there, youve pulled the core elements of my issues and worded them in a way that i cant quite manage to verbalized in psychotherapymy only advice: find a therapist, and like everyone else says, find your happiness, fuck everyone else.on paper it sounds lovely, its a bit harder to enact such a quote when shit gets real, but its a great motto to hold in your mind at all times, ive been coming out slowly, and i mean slowlyI first began looking more feminine, body/shaving wiselonger hair, body-feminization exercisesi then forcibly changed my outward personality to a more comfortable bubbly persona, which when i convey myself through it, feels not only less awkward, but also liberating like an "i dont give a fuck attitude" it really controls the conversation/environment, confidence that is (think chris crocker (although now hes not a tranny, but now returned to being a gay man(but he never said he was trans, and he always identified as being effeminate gay man)))anywho...find a supportive group of people, open-minded, accepting people
Body feminization exercises?