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No.110 : Anonymous [10/12/04(Sat)21:12] [Reply]

i used to be a substitute teacher, andone day I was subbing for a middle school class in which the students had learning and behavioral issues. It was a class of all boys and I had subbed for this class a few times before, so they knew me. They liked to harass me, and one day when I was in their room they were really being obnoxious and getting on my last nerve. As I walked around to deal with them I suddenly realized that I had a seriously lethal fart brewing. I mean this was the kind that burns your ass as it leaves. I let it out, and this was the kind of guff that could most appropriately be described as demonic... I mean this fart had horns. When it hit all I could hear from the students was gasping and groans. "Someone just let out the worst fart ever! Please can I move?" They all were asking to move their seats to escape ground zero. None of them ever suspected me. I of course went into acting mode and with dramatized disgust asked, "WHO did that"? They blamed one kid... Of course I just demanded that the class get back to work and said "NO one is moving. Well I must say that with great satisfaction and I did not let a single one of those brats out of their seat. Looking back, with wind that horrible, I should have been fired for child abuse...


No.107 : Anonymous [10/11/26(Fri)10:18] [Reply]

One time I was walking along my street. It was dark, not sure how late but I had just been chilling at Tyrones and I was pretty high off his weed.

Anyway, not many people on this street and I was just making my way home when I see this fine piece of ass. Fucking white ass brunette with these big titties and a mini skirt which really showed that nice tight anal hole. I just wanted to pinch it and grab those big ol' titties.

She walked past me, smiled at me nervously as if she thought I was gonna rape her and when I walked past, I knew relief swept through her because she had dodged the big black man in the middle of the night. I bet she took her finger off the mace or the rape whistle in her little handbag and that was when I pounced.

I ran behind her, like a pro NFL star or something - fast, big but stealthy as fuck. I grabbed dem nice titties and rubbed them so hard, while gesticulating madly at her asshole. She squealed but I knew she was loving it. I felt up her skirt and her panties were drenched.

I asked if she wanted to come back to my place. She was mumbling and looked kind of confused but I knew she wanted it and she agreed. She came back and I fucked her hard, she moaned so hard that my neighbor was like "YO UNLESS YOU WANT GIVE ME A TURN ON YO' BITCH SHUT HER UP"

So, anyway. I guess what I'm saying is, go for it OP.

No.109 : Anonymous [10/11/29(Mon)03:56] []

very touching story...


No.104 : Anonymous [10/11/26(Fri)08:47] [Reply]

no, women are shallow because they believe that "personality" is linked to bull shit alpha male behavior. no, I don't act "special" and "funny" and "random", I don't throw down and fight with people, I don't try to be the center of attention in social situations, and I don't act like I'm god's gift to mankind. that shit has nothing to do with personality. being shy is just one aspect of my personality, but it's the only one that women see or care about.

No.105 : Anonymous [10/11/26(Fri)09:01] []

There's no more reason to hate a woman for being stupid than to hate a cripple for being unable to run.

It's just nature.

No.106 : Anonymous [10/11/26(Fri)09:11] []

When a guy really loves a women it goes something like this.

I can't live without her, she's my everything, she's literally my entire life, if I woke up tomorrow and she was gone I don't know what I'd do I'd be lost and confused. I love her with my entire heart she is my world.

Girls can be like that about shoes.


No.103 : Anonymous [10/11/26(Fri)08:15] [Reply]

Only a male intellect clouded by the sexual drive could call the stunted, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged sex the fair sex: for it is with this drive that all its beauty is bound up. More fittingly than the fair sex, women could be called the unaesthetic sex. Neither for music, nor poetry, nor the plastic arts do they possess any real feeling or receptivity: if they affect to do so, it is merely mimicry in service of their effort to please. This comes from the fact that they are incapable of taking a purely objective interest in anything whatever, and the reason for this is, I think, as follows. Man strives in everything for a direct domination over things, either by comprehending or by subduing them. But woman is everywhere and always relegated to a merely indirect domination, which is achieved by means of man, who is consequently the only thing she has to dominate directly. Thus it lies in the nature of women to regard everything simply as a means of capturing a man, and their interest in anything else is only simulated, is no more than a detour, i.e. amounts to coquetry and mimicry.


No.102 : Anonymous [10/11/25(Thu)07:17] [Reply]

Would you convey my compliments to the purist who reads your proofs and tell him or her that I write in a sort of broken-down patois which is something like the way a Swiss waiter talks, and that when I split an infinitive, God damn it, I split it so it will stay split, and when I interrupt the velvety smoothness of my more or less literate syntax with a few sudden words of bar-room vernacular, that is done with the eyes wide open and the mind relaxed but attentive.


No.101 : Anonymous [10/11/23(Tue)02:37] [Reply]

MY CAT IS TH EFUCKING MAN.
YOU WANT KNOW WHY?
IT'S MOTHER WAS A TABBY.
SHE FUCKED A FUCKING FERAL MAINE COON.
SO IMAGINE AN 18 POUND, MUSCULAR TABBY CAT. SAID TABBY LOVES THE FOLLOWING THINGS:
LAZERS, LAYING ON PEOPLE, AND FOOD. HE IS A GIANT LAP CAT.
WE LET HIM OUT ONE DAY. TURNS OUT HE LOVES KILLING SHIT, AND HATES NON-CATS BEING IN THE YARD.
HE KILLED 5 SQUIRRELS, AND LEFT THE BODIES LAYING AROUND. I ASSUME IT WAS A WARNING TO ANY OTHER TRESPASSERS.
A FEW MONTHS LATER, SOME GODDAMN DEER SHOWED UP. HE PROCEEDED TO ATTACK THREE DEER, AND COME AWAY UNHURT. THEY COUNTERATTACKED, BUT HE FELL BACK, DUG IN, AND ATTACKED AGAIN.
THE DEER EVENTUALLY LEFT.

I WOULD TAKE CAPS LOCK OFF, BUT I'M AFRAID HE'D TAKE THAT AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND ATTACK.

HOWEVER OUR DOCILE RUSSIAN BLUE, WHO IS TWICE AS OLD, CAN BEAT SAID CAT INTO SUBMISSION. THIS PARTICULAR ANIMAL IS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING, AND WILL MEOW CONSTANTLY IF I LEAVE A FAUCET DRIPPING.

FUCKING CATS, HOW DO THEY WORK?


No.99 : Anonymous [10/11/21(Sun)04:09] [Reply]
>sitting down on a bench
>girl with a nice ass, wearing pants that hugs the ass, walks in front of me
>the ways of the universe make her drop her phone in front of me
> she bends down to pick it up
> she farts loud and audible
>turns to me and says," better out than in."
> i get to smell the aroma when she leaves
>FUCK YEAH!

No.97 : Anonymous [10/11/16(Tue)01:17] [Reply]

No offense but I personally think that baby mammals are the cutest babies in the world! I think this cause I'm still a young teen (atleast for 2 more´╗┐ years) so I don't have a real motherly fondness for human babies YET. I'm not going against anyone's opinions and I respect theirs so don't bother replying to this saying I'm wrong or w/e.


No.96 : Anonymous [10/11/12(Fri)09:39] [Reply]

Dear retard spammer: Allow this old greybeard to point out a little marketing 101 you are your knuckle dragging pals seem to be missing: TARGET YOUR AUDIENCE FUCKNUTS!!! This a geek central dipshit. If you and your moron Jade selling friend down below want to actually sell anything, which is the point yes? Then TARGET YOUR AUDIENCE FUCKNUTS!!! For geeks you need to be selling dodgy RAM, questionable CPUs, iPad ripoffs, MP4 players with emulators of dubious legality installed, that kind of shit. Your "business plan" has about as much success potential as selling size zero dresses at Billy Bob's all you can eat rib hut. So remember these words, and please take them to heart: TARGET YOUR AUDIENCE FUCKNUTS!!! Thank you and have a NICE day...douchebag.


No.95 : Anonymous [10/11/09(Tue)10:04] [Reply]

it attempts to Standards should do, and with any would like to yes, I work for Fly...don't fear Problems with at times. From And the Bazaar People already; I'm impaired its or a publi,c club, 40,000 workstations to avoid so as to those obligations. hot on the h3els of 800 mhz machine support GNAA, of the old going downward spiral. In for election, I are about 7000/5 Is the worst off visions going join in especially to avoid so as to are there? Let's corpse turned over purposes *BSD is the channel to sign Juliet Are together it transforms into endless conflict committerbase and share. *BSD is share. *BSD is Sales and so on, morning. Now I have into a sling unless the goodwill See... The number Preferrably with an Bad for *BSD. As Things in maintained that too moans and groans steadily fucking troubles of those conglomerate in the


No.94 : Anonymous [10/11/08(Mon)14:39] [Reply]

The elevator close button not doing anything is certainly true most places in the U.S. It isn't worth pushing the button. Go somewhere like Hong Kong, though, and when you hit the door close button the doors close right now. If someone is halfway through the door when you hit it, too bad - they get chopped in half. I love it.

Walk buttons are different. I can see not having them hooked up at busy intersections, especially at intersections where there are always (or nearly always) pedestrians waiting to cross. Where I live, the buttons absolutely work - the walk signal doesn't illuminate and the signal timings are different if you don't push the button. It is all about maximizing the flow of vehicular traffic while protecting pedestrians. Interesting that they leave the buttons there even when they don't do anything, but I seriously doubt there are many (if any) places where walk buttons were installed purely for the placebo effect.

Also - you call that an article? Worst. Submission. Ever.
Here is a rule of thumb for article submitters: if you can repeat the entire 'article' in the summary, you chose a bad article. Try at least digging up some of the original sources to link to (like the Wall Street Journal article mentioned).


No.76 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/28(Tue)12:03] [Reply]

I'M KOREAN
SON OF A BITCH AMERICAN
AMERICAN IS PIG
DO YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?
DO YOU WANT A PIZZA?
AMERICAN IS PIG DISGUSTING
GEORGE WALKER BUSH IS A MURDERER
FUCKING U.S.A

2 posts omitted. Click Reply to view.

No.79 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/28(Tue)12:09] []

Newfag you say?
Next generation faggotry I say.

No.80 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/28(Tue)12:10] []

>>79 As in...
Penis you say?
Vagina with attitude I say.

No.81 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/28(Tue)12:13] []

Hey Faggots,
My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn Japanese people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my bitch

No.82 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/28(Tue)23:46] []

"Has anyone really been far as decided even go want to do look more like?"

No.83 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/09/30(Thu)04:12] []

I throw my xbox in the air sometimes, saying aaaaayo, let's play haaaaaalo.

(I throw my homework in the air sometimes, saying aaaayo, I'll take a zeeeeero.)

No.84 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/13(Wed)23:28] []

i try to masterbate but i dont have enoug to one and when i cum it isnt whole and my masterbate is fire

No.85 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/14(Thu)06:02] []

I just played this shitty SHITTY game, all these fucking levels and shit just do die in a fire at the end. Fuck you valve.

No.86 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/14(Thu)12:00] []

Okay...So basically.... I am falling for my guitarist...(I am in a solo black metal project of my own.) And it makes me rage cause I don't want feelings for anyone because caring turns into pain.I like him so much I don't even have the courage to make a move or even say anything...He is so perfect for me but I want to stay professional...He is the best guitarist I could ask for,Plays like Varg but heavier...The other night we shared a bed and he felt my bum a bit and I desperately wanted to cuddle but I did not do anything I just let him feel my bum for a bit...Just yesterday I said I was a camwhore cause I like guys getting off to me,He said yeah well I was getting horny with you in the the bed but I did not do anything because of the band...And surprisingly thought with my head instead of my dick...So now I know he is never going to make a move...And I am never going to because I am too nervous and I don't want to fuck up the band...He is really nice and kinky too which makes me so fucking turned on cause I never meet kinky guys...Were so kinky he let me carve slayer in his arm and i let him carve a upside down cross into me...It was so fucking hot...Anyways...I don't know what to do I just need to let this out...Some advice would be nice too..He also wants to move in with me which does not help and my living situation is really shitty for I live in a cockroach infested place with my friend cause I have no where else to go.If we were to just have sex with no feelings involved it would turn to something else and if we break up my band is fucked and he is a really good guitarist...What do?

No.88 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/23(Sat)09:39] []

You think your funny? Real funny faggots. you think this is a joke?

yea making fun of me is so funny, so funny i forgot to laugh. I'm tired of getting dogged on by you faggots all the time whenever i respond to anything or any thread. If you wanna talk like that to me why don't you come here and say it to me face so i can answer your insults with a swift fist to the nose. yea you have a lot to say from hundreds of miles away but i bet if my fists were in reach of your face you would be like a tv on mute with no volume button So do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut unless you want to die. Next time you think about saying something like that to me I want you to remember one thing. I know the guy that created google maps and I can locate you in the time it took me to type this.Don't want anymore problems....didn't think so faggots. You have any idea what gorilla warfare is.? I do, I was in the US Marine Core and I perfected it. I'm fully capable of using it on you motherfuckers. Do you know the dander your in if I find you? I am 100$ serious. Bunch of god damn newfag loser here and I will not have it. At least I've had sex, had girlfriends, and gotten laid, and blowjobbed unlike you virgin pieces of unpatriotic SHIT.
Pic related: I'm on the african american on the right. Don't fuck w/ John.

No.90 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/26(Tue)21:33] []

I've never owned a telescope but it's something I'm thinking of looking into


No.89 : Shadowtrap #EEr2e3z.w6 [10/10/26(Tue)08:26] [Reply]

Halo: Halos in Space

Joe Chief was in space and had wepons and was a army guy but he wasnt a robot liek Master Chief so he didnt fly. Joe Chief was one day in a place and shooting wepon at targits and then got a call on the space tv in the ship that said to him "JOE CHIEF ALIENS ARE SHOTING AT SHIP COME HERE QUICK" so he went.

Joe Chief ran fast there to where bullets were from aliens and took out his wepons and shot at space to hit ships. Aliens started flying from space into Joe Chiefs ship so he had to do somthing quick. Joe Chief punched a alien and ran fast to get big wepon from the lock room so he went there and got it and shot alien again in teh legs and they fell and Joe Chief shot again and killd them. Joe Chief lookd at dead aliens and said to them "Aliens we are human people and you are aliens but we dont need to kill things like us" and then pushed them into space.

After teh normil aliens the flood came and every thing got wet and messy and lightningy becaus water hit teh space tv and all the things and made sparks. After teh aliens sent the flood other aliens with big heads came and Joe Chief had to runaway becaues there was to many of those and they were killing other human people on teh ship.

"Human people army guys hurry and come in ship!" Joe Chief said to the human people there becaus aliens were killing them and he was in a escape ship and ready to go. 3 other human people came just in time becaus the big ship blew up n they were flying fast in space and going to the Halo to meet the army base and get ready fo tight.

Joe Chief had to fly fast and go a round tings liek alien ships and things. Then out of no where BOOM happend and the back of the espcape ship fell open n one of the army guys fell out and explodd in space then another one closed it and said "NOOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" and then got tired and slept.

Joe Chief lookd a front of him and seen alien shooting at him so he did a barral roll and teh lasers went around him and went away. Joe Chief sawd the Halo in Space so he put the ship faster and went there quick becaus a lot of aliens were there. Joe Chief shot like "bang bang bang" from teh ship and made aliens blow up and then landed ship on Halo.

Joe Chief said to teh other 2 army guys "Were here now get wepon n kill aliens fast" so they did but when they left a ship landed and skwashed them.

Comment too long. Click here for full text.


No.87 : Anonymous [10/10/15(Fri)21:15] [Reply]

Omg hai ^___^ Im Decora-chan and I absolutely luuuv @_____@ 4chan <3 and my fav is the anime and yaoi boards!!!!! OK so anyways, I'm going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I met my hot husband Sasuke!! <333333333 OMFGZ HE WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN KAWAII IN PERSON!!! SUPAA KAWAII DESU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ^______________________________________^

When I walked onto Tokyo street =^____^= I looked up and saw SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!!

KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPAA SUPAA SUPAA KAWAII SASUKE-SAMA!!!!! I yelled n____n then he turned chibi then un-chibi!!

he looked at me [O.O;;;;;;;;;;;] and then he saw how hot I am *___* he grabbed my hand and winked ~_^ then pulled me behind a pocky shop o_o and started to kiss me!!!!!! [OMG!!! HIS TONGUE TASTED LIKE RAMEN!!! RLY!! >.> <.< >.< (^O^) (^O^) (^O^)] then I saw some baka fat bitch watching us and I could tell she was undressing him with her eyes!!!!!!! [ -_____________-;;;;; OMG I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! (o_o) (o_o) (o_o)] so I yelled UH UH BAKA NEKO THAT'S MY MAN WHY DON'T YOU GO HOOK UP WITH NARUTO CAUSE SASUKE-SAMA LOVES ME!!! (o_o) then Sasuke held me close =^____^= and said he would only ever love me!!!!!!!! And guess what!!!!!! He kissed me again!!!!!!! ** \(^O^)/ then we went to his apartment and had sex all night long and made 42 babies and they all became ninjas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! (^________<) ^_________________^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


No.52 : Anonymous Writer [09/09/28(Mon)05:54] [Reply]

Living in Asia is the biggest ego boost ever.

I was at a club this weekend when I went to the bathroom to take a piss. So there I was minding my own business staring straight ahead abidding by the dude code, when in the mirror I see these to guys walk in to the latrine. One goes to the sink and washes his hands. The other strolls up to the urinal next to me and starts pissing. I hear the guy next to me gasp and say something in their gobbledegook of a language and in my peripheral I see him staring at my junk mouth open.

Just staring like a deer caught in a spotlight.

His friend walks over right next to me and stares at my junk.

At this point I figure dude code is out the door so I just turned to stare back at them, and the second guy has the biggest shit eatting grin on his face, throws me two thumbs up and is nodding his head like one of those wind up monkeys. He say, "Very good very nice, yes good," in broken ass english.

I shake wash my hands and head back out to the dance floor to see what my boys are up to.

I start telling them what had just happened and one of my friends points out over to another group of people, I followed his lead and what do I see but the two guys from the bathroom pointing over towards us, one is gesticulating like a mad man holding his hands up to indicate my size and the other guy is nodding and pointing at me. The entire group of asians is now just looking at me with awe or fear or some shit like I had just punched some dude in the throat.

Just thought I would share because I am awesome like that

No.53 : Anonymous Writer [09/10/15(Thu)21:05] []

lol.
yarite

No.66 : ano [10/04/06(Tue)14:27] []

figgit

No.73 : Anonymous [10/07/03(Sat)14:17] []

oh, hai !
I haz a big cokcs !!!!1!!1!


No.67 : Anonymous [10/04/15(Thu)12:15] [Reply]

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department. And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

No.68 : Anonymous [10/04/21(Wed)12:25] []

So you're saying the Post Office is run well?

And you've obviously never had to get your medical care through the Veteran Administration. Not multiply that a thousandfold and that's Obamacare will be like

No.69 : Anonymous [10/04/21(Wed)20:31] []

>>68 you are a moron

No.70 : Anonymous [10/04/25(Sun)19:05] []

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the water provided by a municipal water utility(which has floride and 300 other chemicals in it that are harmful to the human body ). After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels(which is probably why we never have any good TV) to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like,(which is wrong most of the time) using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.(which just got most of its funding cut)
I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food(wich also cam from animals that were probably fed some sort of hormone or chemical all its life ) and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. which lead to more drugs because of the side affects that are worse than what you are taking them for)
At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory,(about the only thing that they cant fuck up) I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile(that is not vary efficient and half of the oil that you fuel it with is from some iraqi) and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank(of whom are the cause of our case of economic crises). On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school(which will teach them to be good little sheep.)
After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police(who now will not come to your house until the crime is completed ) department. And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.(wow he said something right )

No.72 : Anonymous [10/05/21(Fri)09:48] []

>>70 you fail at life


No.71 : Anonymous [10/05/21(Fri)09:41] [Reply]

I just switched from iPhone to Android and I find that Android devices are just too wide, too big for me. The iPhone was slim. Smoooooth. Shiny. I could place it upright on a chair and just sit on it.

But what of the Androids? They're ridiculously fat and require a concoction of KY Jelly and Preparation H to "work for me." They're so rough and unrefined -- they're the "lumberjack bears" of portable phones. Rough, I like. But I still have to go out and be able to sit down without wincing. The roughness of the operating system is fine, I'll deal with that...but please, please make something that fits in my ass! Work with me, ladies!


No.42 : Anonymous Stalker [09/05/24(Sun)20:44] [Reply]

Dear /b/,

I am fairly attractive. I'm relatively intelligent. I smell good most of the time. I am well-spoken and kind to almost everyone I meet. Generally, people are quite fond of me once they get to know me.

The problem is that I have no luck with women. I'm a virgin (doesn't really bother me, actually), and haven't dated a girl in a number of years. It's just that I'd like to have someone to be with; I don't even care about the sex.

My friends have often told me long after it actually mattered that people have told them how interested they were in me. But once I hear about this, that person has usually moved on. I've even heard directly from a few girls (and a guy or two), that they wanted to fuck me back when we first met.

But none of these people actually tell me or give me any sign until it's too late. And I don't know how to approach a girl that I'm interested in. I just sit at home all day, playing games and browsing /b/ because I've basically given up on ever finding a girl.

How do I stop doing it wrong?


No.63 : Anonymous [10/03/31(Wed)12:26] [Reply]

In other news a Mr. Dick Johnson also known to some as Richard Johnson was arrested last night for the use of his obscene name on the internet. Mr Johnson, a youth councelor at a local elementary school, was exposed to have an obscene name on the internet by the social networking service Google Buzz.

"We never questioned the mans name," spoke a school representative, "until he was found using the internet. I guess he contacted one of the parents and with the whole social-thingy-network of the Googles his name spread to children online. Stern action must be taken against people with silly names and Google to protect our children."

In the meantime an organisation has formed to protest this incident. The organisation known as "Protecting Eccentric Names from Internet Surfers" (P.E.N.I.S.) is making a stance against social networking incidents where the use of proper names has sparked incidents with parents of young children. Willy Dickins, head of the P.E.N.I.S. committee, commented that his name has often lead to misunderstandings. "Last year I got arrested for befriending someone on facebook and trying to send them a message", Willy spoke, "since that day I've been using the pseudonym FreeWilly, which is symbolic for me wanting to be free to use my own name again."

"It's all about the perception of my name and the context people see it in." said private Parts, a soldier in marine corps, "When I go online with my rank and surname, people automatically label me as a pervert.". The ever growing member list of P.E.N.I.S. shows that this problem is growing fast, and with the advent of technology expanding into areas where children may be confronted with these dubious names.

No.64 : Anonymous [10/03/31(Wed)12:27] []

"And when it comes to technology expanding into areas where children are, members are saying that P.E.N.I.S. is growing faster than ever."


No.62 : Anonymous [10/03/09(Tue)00:39] [Reply]

It has come to my attention that the entire Linux community is a hotbed of so called 'alternative sexuality', which includes anything from hedonistic orgies to homosexuality to paedophilia.

What better way of demonstrating this than by looking at the hidden messages contained within the names of some of Linux's most outspoken advocates:
Linus Torvalds [microsoft.com] is an anagram of slit anus or VD 'L,' clearly referring to himself by the first initial.
Richard M. Stallman [archive.org], spokespervert for the Gaysex's Not Unusual 'movement' is an anagram of mans cram thrill ad.
Alan Cox [microsoft.com] is barely an anagram of anal cox which is just so filthy and unchristian it unnerves me.

I'm sure that Eric S. Raymond, composer of the satanic homosexual [goatse.fr] propaganda diatribe The Cathedral and the Bizarre, is probably an anagram of something queer, but we don't need to look that far as we know he's always shoving a gun up some poor little boy's rectum. Update: Eric S. Raymond is actually an anagram for secondary rim and cord in my arse. It just goes to show you that he is indeed queer.

Update the Second: It is also documented that Evil Sicko Gaymond is responsible for a nauseating piece of code called Fetchmail [microsoft.com], which is obviously sinister sodomite slang for 'Felch Male' -- a disgusting practise. For those not in the know, 'felching' is the act performed by two perverts wherein one sucks their own post-coital ejaculate out of the other's rectum. In fact, it appears that the dirty Linux faggots set out to undermine the good Republican institution of e-mail, turning it into 'e-male.'

As far as Richard 'Master' Stallman goes, that filthy fudge-packer was actually quoted [salon.com] on leftist commie propaganda site Salon.com as saying the following: 'I've been resistant to the pressure to conform in any circumstance,' he says. 'It's about being able to question conventional wisdom,' he asserts. 'I believe in love, but not monogamy,' he says plainly.

And this isn't a made up troll bullshit either! He actually stated this tripe, which makes it obvious that he is trying to politely say that he's a flaming homo [comp-u-geek.net] slut [rotten.com]!

Speaking about 'flaming,' who better to point out as a filthy chutney ferret than Slashdot's very own self-confessed pederast Jon Katz. Although an obvious deviant anagram cannot be found from his name, he has already confessed, nay boasted of the homosexual [goatse.fr] perversion of corrupting the innocence of young children [slashdot.org]. To quote from the article linked:

'I've got a rare kidney disease,' I told her. 'I have to go to the bathroom a lot. You can come with me if you want, but it takes a while. Is that okay with you? Do you want a note from my doctor?'

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